Cool dad into new bands like Arctic Monkeys

ARE you a single man living out his years in grim solitude? Here are five tiny victories that come with being left on the shelf:

You can leave the loo seat up

Every man knows it’s stupid to keep putting the toilet seat down when you’ve only got to lift it up again the next time you need a piss. Women are obsessed with keeping it shut, but thanks to your sad single status you’ll never get nagged over it like your married mates. You’re the lucky one here!

No need for fresh towels

Women religiously put clean towels out every week or so, but what’s the point? You only ever use a towel when you’ve just showered, and are therefore as clean as you’ll ever be, so it’s impossible to get dirty. Adopting a six-monthly changing regime is more than sufficient.

You can eat what you want

No fitting in with your partner’s latest penchant for detox days, Veganuary, or some other faddy diet regime they’re into. You can treat yourself to whatever tickles your fancy, seven days a week. Remind yourself of this as you enjoy a veritable smorgasbord of Pot Noodles, Monster Munch and depressing roast dinner ready meals for one.

No compromising over what to watch

If you lived with someone else you’d be forced to sit through Bridgerton or some other mind-numbing nonsense about big dresses when you could be watching Ice Road Truckers. You’ll still find yourself staring at your phone after five minutes, but at least you’ll be ignoring the channel of your choice.

No one sees your tears

It can get pretty miserable living out your solo existence with nobody asking if you had a good day. So when you find your eyes filling up as you wonder where your ex is nowadays, it’s great that nobody is there to see you blowing your nose on a dirty sock you found down the side of the sofa.

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