Covid: Why I should never have listened to stupid bloody science, by Rishi Sunak

I’M the first to admit mistakes were made during the pandemic. Public health messaging could have been clearer. PPE procurement was lacking. Corporate profits for my friends in the City could have been much higher. 

And those mistakes were entirely the fault of scientists, with their pathetic need to court popularity and pander to the public’s desire to be locked up at home for months at a time.

I don’t have a clue about science. I’m an economist, believe it or not. So by that logic why should scientists, who don’t have a clue about the economy, run the economy? 

The scientists’ ideological ‘survival of the unfittest’ philosophy influenced our prime minister Boris Johnson, an overweight, spineless worm of a man who lacks personal discipline. Suddenly the focus of our response was ‘saving lives’ because grannies dying was unpopular, for some reason.

I believe it makes economic sense that we become fitter as a nation. That involves exercise, good nutrition and, in a wider sense, not minding too much if a few hundred thousand old, weak and economically irrelevant people pass on.

My ‘eat out to help out’ scheme was actually to test who was fit and strong enough to queue for a cheap burger and survive a waiter breathing Covid in your face while asking if you wanted onion rings.

But the scientists decried all this, perhaps because they are weaklings who would never survive in a truly well-run economic jungle.

I should have vetoed the vaccine on the grounds that it was unaffordable. Now there are so many of you still alive. And thanks to you all wanting heat and lighting we’ve got an energy crisis and the possibility of rationing. I hope you’re proud of yourselves, egghead science boffins!

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