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Having a wank and other things it is now okay to do



WITH the mourning period officially over, a normal life of self-abuse can resume. You are now cleared to do these things: 

Have a wank

Finally, after ten whole days of respectful abstinence, you are free to enjoy one off the wrist. Although not explicitly verboten during the mourning period, the whiplash of flitting between the filth you need to get off and footage of the coffin would be too strong. There was a risk you could conflate the two.

Change out of mourning dress

The plain, creased black T-shirt you’ve been wearing since the news came in on September 9th can now be clumsily shoved back into the drawer. It has done its duty and will not be needed again for another 30 years, God willing, or until you get called for jury duty. You can now don your accustomed garb: ironic T-shirts with unremovable turmeric stains.

Acknowledge the monarchy’s flaws

A period of politely ignoring the monarchy’s links to colonialism, and the bankrolling of jeweled crowns and golden carriages while the country sinks into a cost-of-living crisis, has ended. As of today though you can tut and roll your eyes whenever the Windsors are mentioned. Give it a week before calling them a carnival of twats though, to be safe.

Enjoy a single second of happiness

In case you’ve forgotten, happiness is a state of emotional joy. You used to feel it watching a viral video of a cat or hearing about an old schoolfriend’s career failure. It will feel wrong to experience happiness in a world without the Queen, but she’d want you to. Possibly at the expense of Boris Johnson fuming at not giving a speech yesterday.

Feel sad about something else

The Queen has had a monopoly on sadness for the last ten days, and rightly so. But now she’s gone, there are smaller issues to feel miserable about. From climate change to your inability to pay rent to supporting Leicester City, a whole catalogue of woes awaits you. A change is as good as a rest so focus your depression on these topics instead.



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