Man has early night to make head start on anxiety checklist

LOOKING to top up your tan during the heatwave? Get ready to be inflicted with these ridiculous tan lines:

Farmer’s tan

The most common of all dodgy tan lines. Normal people don’t feel comfortable stripping off their clothes and exposing themselves to the sun in public, meaning they’ll end up with pasty skin in the shape of a T-shirt imprinted on their torsos. Luckily nobody will notice, unless you meet someone who wants to shag you. Bear in mind that they’ll have a good laugh at your naked body first.

Trucker’s tan

The sunny weather is the perfect time for a road trip. What could be better than driving to the beach with the windows down and your arm nonchalantly propped out the window? Not being bright red from elbow to wrist on one side, that’s what. It nearly looks as bad as the baseball cap tan line running across your forehead.

Sunglasses tan

Nearly everything about sunglasses is cool. Movie stars look good in them, they give you an air of indifference, and they make you feel more powerful than the sun. The only downside is that you look like a twat when you take them off after a long day of looking suave. You wouldn’t have this problem if you just squinted a bit.

Intricate bikini tan

You’ve spent months tracking down the perfect elaborate bikini, and then spent hours trying to figure out how to slip into its intricate network of straps. It’s totally worth it though because you’ll look great when hitting the beach. Just ignore how it’ll leave you with a pattern of stupid tan lines that will be impossible to even out.

Beard tan

Fellas, if you’ve got a beard you need to make a commitment today. Either you stick with your facial hair until autumn, or you shave it all off now to achieve an even facial tan. Those are the only two options. That’s unless you like having a pale jawline which everyone will secretly mock. Make the right choice.

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