Plastic grass, and ten other ways to be aggressively unfriendly to the environment

SICK to death of the bloody environment? Here’s how to rub it in the greenies’ faces:  

Plastic grass

Like grass and nature and stuff but don’t like the messiness of it being alive? Kill it all, replace it with unnaturally green plastic grass that you can hoover daily, and enjoy it in the remaining time before the world goes to hell.

Buy bottled water

Water from the tap just doesn’t have that je ne sais quoi? Which is to say branding and packaging. You prefer water bottled in plastic, wrapped in plastic on pallets and transported hundreds of miles to you. It’s just better.

Drive an SUV

The epitome of not giving a shit, driving on well-paved suburban roads guzzling diesel just because you f**king can. Every school run kills three antelopes and you’re proud of that.

Taking long-haul family holidays

The Canaries and Tuscany are for half-term. For proper summer holidays you’ve got air miles to use, the Maldives to visit and a photo of your tiny kid ensconced in a massive business class seat to Instagram.

Buying flown-in fruit and veg

Buying apples from New Zealand when you have an apple tree at the end of the garden? Yes, because those apples might have a worm in.

Leaving the freezer door open while you amble across the kitchen

Seems innocent and enjoyable while being immensely, decadently wasteful. A delicious punch in the face for Mother Earth.

Leaving the front door open in winter

You’re a careless free spirit, blithe and barefoot as you take out the recycling while hours worth of carefully built-up heating wafts out behind you into the universe. Nice one.

Buying over-packaged kids toys

How about kids’ toys where unwrapping the toy is actually the whole experience? Raises a whole new generation of reckless consumers. What’s inside is fiddly plastic crap that’ll end up in the bin after five whole minutes.

Disposables at your children’s party

Sweeping everything into a bin bag means a quick thrill of speed-tidying, followed by approximately thirty years of Peppa Pig plates slowly mouldering in a landfill.

A gas heater for the patio

Efficient: wearing a jumper. Mildly dickish: heating your home so you can swan around in T-shirt and shorts. Apocalyptically selfish: trying to heat up the whole of the outside world just for your pleasure.

International work travel

Do you need to fly to Singapore to discuss plans for a product launch? Of course you f**king don’t. You just want to swan around for a few days and watch porn in your hotel room.

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