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The six post-pandemic twats to avoid at a festival this year


YOUNG people are getting ready for this summer’s festivals, as are vacuous wankers with two years of pent-up twattery to unleash: 

The Hugger

To this dude uncomfortably long embraces are the new normal. Loving life after lockdown and everyone in it, especially women aged 18-35, this twat is so glad social distancing is over he throws his welcoming arms around everyone. Again, particularly emphasising pretty girls.

The Conspiracist

A former militant anti-vaxxer who switched overnight to being an an armageddon doom-monger, he will consume all your precious moments of drug-induced befuddlement regurgitating half-remembered YouTubes about Russian-funded nanobots. That’s your paranoia sorted.

The Entrepreneur

Lockdowns were a unique business opportunity to this particular variant of übertwat. Getting into PPE procurement at the right time made him millions. With a lock-screen photo of himself at a Downing Street party, this disaster capitalist is a disaster to be around.

The Volcano Oversharer

Lying dormant for two years, this peppy exhibitionist will bounce around spilling beer and demanding a bump of coke wherever she goes, erupting a lava-hot stream of compressed lockdown bollocks. She’s really pleased to see you! No, like really pleased to see you? Like it’s so incredible to see you. Repeated ad infinitum.

The Post-Bedroom Influencer

With 35+ followers on Instagram, this twat gnaws at every sensitive nerve with faux American over-sincere humblebraggery, blagging any product possible in the desperate hope of attracting sponsors’ cash. No longer locked-down in her bedroom for the public’s safety, she’s super-psyched to be streaming Lewis Capaldi’s set to no-one.

The Away-From-Home Homeworker

Why would you ever leave work now you don’t have to? Inevitably in marketing, this twat hasn’t taken his AirPods out since 2019 and will lapse into a stream of buzzwords to a colleague just as Phoebe Bridgers is doing the quiet bit. Though mostly he’ll be telling people, loudly: ‘Yeah! I’m at a festival! Amazing mate!’



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