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Tory leadership candidates wishing they hadn’t spent their whole lives being pricks to everybody


CONSERVATIVE leadership candidates who need 20 backers are regretting f**king over everyone they have ever met, it has emerged. 

Utter arseholes including Liz Truss, Nadhim Zahawi and Jeremy Hunt are desperately scrabbling around to find 20 colleagues who they have not laughed in the faces of while crippling their careers for fun.

Kemi Badenoch, member for Saffron Walden, said: “Shit. Bollocks. Nobody told me it was going to be a f**king popularity contest.

“Like literally the first thing I did when I got into the cabinet was call every single backbench rival I’d beaten to unleash a tirade of abuse about how I was going to make their lives hell. Those people are not proving receptive.

“I thought being an absolute twat to everyone was how you got ahead in politics. They should be nominating me based on how many people hate me. I’d be topping 80 by now.”

Grant Shapps, member for Welwyn Hatfield, agreed: “I’ve been in and out of the cabinet since 2010. You have no idea of the number of MPs whose careers have been kicked square in the nuts by me.

“Incredibly, it seems there are consequences to being a copper-bottomed bastard to everyone for more than 30 years. Even in the Tory party.”



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