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Woman’s world rocked by three minutes of missionary position, boyfriend confirms


A WOMAN wearing a leopard print top on a night out is guaranteed to get more drunk than any of her friends, it has been confirmed.

Carolyn Ryan consumes alcohol at a normal pace when wearing regular clothes, but when she slips on her leopard print top she transforms into an insatiable drinker nobody can keep up with.

Friend Lucy Parry said: “Me and the girls were planning to have a quiet one tonight, cost of living and all that. Then we saw Carolyn rock up in that leopard print top and knew she was going to get shitfaced.

“Within 20 minutes she’d overtaken everyone else, tipped her G&T over the waiter she was flirting with and broken a heel while dancing on the table, which apparently isn’t allowed in Bella Italia. When she wears that top we’re merely her handlers.

“It’s not her fault really. The leopard print pattern exerts a strange, mystical hold over women. It’s like the One Ring of clothing. Once you pop it on it slowly corrupts you and drives you mad. Or in Carolyn’s case, blind drunk.”

Ryan said: “This animal pattern has imbued me with superhuman drinking powers. I hope I don’t lose it when I inevitably get my stomach pumped.”



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